So after watching the return of The Hills last night, the most outstanding conclusion I've come to is this: all of their lives suck!!! Those girls may get their share of celebrity VIP treatment, but their lives are actually pretty damn boring.

All of Lauren's attempts to "let loose" - like riding on the back of that Parisian guy Matthias' moped - are obviously intended more for the cameras than her own enjoyment. The girl was too self-conscious to even hug him goodbye, let alone a goodnight kiss.

Spencer is such a loner that he can't stand a few days without Heidi, who is knee deep in her "I just need space" theatrics. And don't even get me started on playmate wannabe Audrina, who can't resist the adolescent urge to tattle on Brody to her friend overseas, rather than letting Lauren enjoy a few peaceful days in Paris before returning home to that reality. Whitney Port is the only character who seems at all well-rounded, and even she kinda sucks.

I'm not sure I can make it through another episode of this crap!

Oh, in other Hills news, here is Heidi's latest crappy single. A "ballad." Check it out:

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This, according to the quickly-losing-credibility NY Times writer Ginia Bellafante who, in a recent critique of The Hills, applauds Heidi Montag for growing bold and outspoken while criticizing Lauren Conrad for basically being a wimp:

"Defying our expectations, Heidi has emerged as a kind of feminist hero this season, climbing her way to a bigger position at the event-planning company where she orchestrates Nascar parties, and refusing to acquiesce to the demands of her fiance.

"After taking a break from Spencer at her parents' modest house in Crested Butte, Colo., Heidi returns to Los Angeles to kick him out and chastises him for taking her flat-screen TV with him.

"Oh, what Lauren, her vulnerability hidden beneath her baroque moralism, could learn from Heidi right now. Lauren is pining for Brody, who, she has confessed, never makes her feel good enough.

I kinda get what Bellafonte is saying...kinda...Lauren hides her feelings, is a little too uptight ...but come on. Are we forgetting about every other aspect of Heidi? Such as her overt plastic surgery, two-faced disloyalty to her friends, and pathetic desperation for attention? What kind of heroic or feminist message does that send to women?!

Not to mention Spencer is her longterm BOYFRIEND who she is thinking about MARRYING despite him treating her like crap for the whole first year of their relationship. Lauren's friends-or-more-than-friends-question-mark relationship with Brody is hardly comparable.

Form your own opinion after watching a couple episodes ... the new season premieres tonight!

The Hills cast were out partying together last night, probably getting excited to see themselves back on the tube again, as the rest of Season 3 will air later this month. The new episodes are looking something like...

Brody gets a new girlfriend (probably within hours of Lauren leaving for Paris), Lauren has the mandatory rebound fling, Whitney is so over Teen Vogue (or are they over her?), Heidi is sill pretending she actually might break up with Spencer, Justin Bobby won't go away, Spencer's sister also wants to mooch off Lauren's fame, and Heidi is desperate desperate, shady shady.

All in all, should be 8 ridiculously predictable episodes of simulated "reality" television.

And I can't wait!

Angelina Jolie has been talking about her sex life. She recently told a British magazine that she has only slept with four men. FOUR. This severely challenges the view most people in the world have of Angelina Jolie. To us, she is an at-times bisexual seductress who publicly makes out with her brother, chews her lover's lip in the middle of the red carpet, and wears viles of his blood around her neck. News of Angie's sexual modesty comes, ironically, within days of another story about her sexual past - but this one is about how she played with knives during sex at age 14 because the sex alone "wasn't enough." But don't worry, Angie said she put her masochism behind her when she became a mother: "[motherhood] was the biggest change in my life and made me feel complete. I learned to accept responsibility for myself, my children and my partner."Well one thing's for certain with this one - ya sure can't call her boring.

Alicia Silverstone gets naked for vegetarian causes. Unfortunately, she also gets in trouble for it. Citing indecent nudity, Comcast Cable has pulled the plug on the PETA commercial which debuted in Houston and Dallas this Wednesday. Kind of a bummer for PETA and especially for Alicia who, sadly, would probably would have benefited even more from the ad than PETA. The actress, whose career has been lagging ever since the Clueless days, says what she loves most about vegetarianism is that "physically, the effect has been amazing."Physically, the effect has been amazing. Now watch the commercial and then try to repeat that line with a completely serious face.

O.J. Simpson is a f%$king retard. The guy gets acquitted in one of the world's most outrageous murder scandals EVER. And then, despite the knowledge that people all over the world despise him (and that the families of the two people he "probably" murdered spend every day plotting revenge), he writes the cocky book "If I Did It" which details the murders as if they are based in fiction. Finally, NOW, rather than tiptoeing around the legal system that so graciously bowed down to him 13 years ago, he has the audacity, greed and stupidity to march into a Las Vegas casino and steal freaking sports memorabilia??? And possibly kidnap someone?? And assault someone? With a deadly weapon??! The meathead's explanation for his behavior is that he was "only recovering items that had been illegally stolen from him."Ugh. Deeeeee- sgusting. Here's the good news though - there is a chance OJ really will end up back in jail - for life! Click here to read more about his charges for "11 offenses, including two counts of conspiracy to commit kidnapping with a deadly weapon, two counts of robbery with a deadly weapon and assault with a deadly weapon." Here's hoping!

Incriminating photos of champion boxer Oscar De La Hoya, or rather "Miss Oscar De La Hoya", have been flying around the internet since x17online published them on Wednesday. The boxer's lawyer has insisted that they are not real, stating that they must have been digitally altered and requesting that they be removed immediately. For the time being though, x17online stands by their photos. We'll have to see whether the authenticity or the fraudulence of the photos is proven first...

Kate Moss may have gotten rid of infamous party-aholic boyfriend Pete Doherty, but his partying influence has stayed intact. The supermodel has been hitting the party scene hard since their split, even getting so trashed at a party in London this week that her designer dress was torn in three places by the time she headed home. Good thing she is a fashion designer - Kate's dress actually looks like it could have been styled that way on purpose!

Hollywood has not been the same since Lindsay Lohan went back to rehab. The girl who rehab insiders say is "getting better every day" has finally admitted her problem with drugs and alcohol, started to eat again, and even made up with her dad. Despite all of the ridiculous press attention her father has been vying for, Lindsay has put her trust back in Michael Lohan. The two have grown so close that they attend AA meetings together and even pray together...for Britney Spears. Yes, Michael and Lindsay Lohan pray for Britney Spears. Lindsay is just flooded with inspiration these days and when she isn't praying for people, she writes song lyrics because when she gets out of rehab she is going to be a sober rockstar.

Tabloid redundant Kim Kardashian's ass is all over the gossip blogs again. She is still only famous for having a very, very large behind, her power hooligan attorney dad Robert Kardashian, and friends like Paris Hilton. But one of these days we will actually see the reality show she has been talking about forever - which will be "a peek inside her private family life" - a family that includes stepbrother Brody Jenner. As much as Brody is probably a total scumbag, I have to say, I wouldn't mind seeing more of his face on screen...

Kanye West can stop crying about losing "Male Artist of the Year" to Justin Timberlake now that he has won his album sales battle against rap rival 50 cent. After weeks of trumped-up hype that seemed more like a publicity stunt to boost both rapper's sales, Kanye's album "Graduation" has come out significantly ahead of 50 Cent's "Curtis". We probably won't catch video footage of 50 cent throwing a tantrum over his loss, but then again, we might not be seeing him at all. The east coast rapper told a hip-hop site this month he'll retire if he loses the battle: "If Kanye sells more records, I'll no longer write music. I'll write music and work with my other artists, but I won't put out anymore solo albums."Personally, I'm calling his bluff. What do you think?

Who's side are you on?

Today I heard Heidi Montag's and Spencer Pratt's second radio interview in 48 hours - an interview which was used predominantly to bash the couple's former Hills co-star Lauren Conrad.

On the Ryan Seacrest show this morning, Spencer and Heidi said they were "shocked" and outraged by Lauren Conrad's recent 6-page interview in a recent issue of Us Magazine. Lauren's interview is one of few scenarios in which the reality star has opened up, and she definitely does spill some nasty gossip - but the backlash from Heidi and Spencer seems a bit over the top.

Spencer Pratt quickly responded to the publication with a seething rant on his website which starts off with "for all you haters" and takes some pretty sever jabs at LC, calling her "boyfriend stealer", "desperate loser" and "pathetic wannabe fashion designer." He also attacks Lauren's love life, confirming the existence of a sex tape and claiming that three of LC's previous boyfriends call her "beef curtains."

More childish name-calling was doled out during Spencer's interview with Ryan Seacrest this morning, in which he stated that he has no remorse for his blog: "that was just one page, if I had written 6 then we would be even." For her part, Heidi had little to say about her former BFF other than to point the blame at Lauren for making her choose between Spencer and her friend. "It's very sad in a way how everything happened but, you know, it is what it is and I'm not the one who chose this, you know, it was her," said Heidi.

To most of us who have ever watched even 15 minutes of The Hills, what is really sad is that Heidi is too dimwitted to see what Lauren did see - that Spencer was threatened by Lauren's skepticism of his womanizing ways and prompted Spencer to manipulate the two girls against each other.

It should speak volumes that the LC vs. Heidi feud has split more favorably toward the LC team. Hills co-stars Whitney Port and Audrina Patridge have shown such loyalty to Lauren that Heidi had to arrange a separate photoshoot for the third season premiere. And now Brody Jenner has joined the LC bandwagon, effectively breaking off his ten-year friendship with Spencer and joining the anti-Spencer ranks, along with Joel Madden and Nicole Richie. Last month Joel Madden was so infuriated by inflammatory comments Spencer had made about Nicole's weight that he was ready to throw down in the middle of the Beverly Hills Hotel.

Not that Spencer or Heidi are likely to mind that sort of media attention. Although Heidi fiercely denies that she has been focusing her career on anything but her music recording, much of her behavior would suggest otherwise. Both she and Spencer have set off "attention whore" alarms by groping each other publicly and crashing events where they knew LC was present. And why wouldn't the couple try to generate publicity for themselves? After all, Lauren was the show's epicenter for two whole season's of Laguna Beach before Heidi entered the picture merely as Lauren's college roommate. And Spencer Pratt, who only managed to appear on the show after manipulating his way into Heidi's life, has used the show to launch multiple careers which include managing Heidi Montag and his reality co-star Brody Jenner, who also appeared on The Hills as one of LC's aforementioned exes.

Season 3 of The Hills airs next Monday, August 13th, and it should be interesting to see how it all goes down. Is Spencer really as much of an asshole as he seems? Is Lauren really as sweet as she acts on-camera? Is Heidi really that dumb? The show may be scripted, but for what it's worth, this feud seems pretty real. Let's see just how juicy it will get!