Cooper: All right. Stay black, Bert.

Cooper: This is DEFINITELY where I parked my car.

Swiss Guard: [thinking Cooper is retarded] And have a very special day for a very special little man! [winks]

Scott: Excuse me.
Mad Maynard: Hello boyo!
Scott: So what the hell happened last night?
Mad Maynard: You got steamed up, pissed as a fart. Too much sauce son.

Waiter: [Scottie tosses the waiter a nickel] Ah! A nickel! [waiter shows his manager] You see this? [slaps the manager] I quit. I open my own hotel.

Scott: What happened to you last night?
Jamie: I got robbed! It was awesome.

Italian Guy at Vatican: This is one crazy Pope!

Robot Man: Ow! My robot balls! Error! Error! Error!

Scott: A dollar and 83 cents American. What can we get for that?
[cut to a lavish Slovak hotel]
Scott: Gotta love that exchange rate!

Scott: They really are the worst twins ever.

Scott: [Scott and Cooper after seeing Jamie and Jenny making out] Oh, my God!
Green Fairy: That is some pretty fucked-up shit right there. Can you say what the fuck did I do last night?

Jamie: [to the tour group] This is amazing. Usually, they [the Vatican] wait 15 days to elect a new Pope. We could be seeing history in the making
Jenny: [to Herself] We could be seeing an arrest in the making.

Pope: [seeing the "New Pope" on TV] What de hell?

Naked Spanish Guy: Muchachas?
Naked African Guy: Ladies?
Naked Tiny Asian Guy: Bitches?

Naked Spanish Guy: CHICA! CHICA! CHICA!

[first lines]
P.A. announcer: Congratulations. Hudson High class of 2004!

Madame Vandersexxx: Administer the Testicle Clamps!

Tibor: We just get Miami Wice on television. Miami Wice is number one new show.

Jenny: So you just go around Europe sleeping with every woman you meet?
Christoph: Oh no Jenny, it is not like that. I also sleep with men.

Donny: I did her on his birthday.

Cooper: [sees girl bending over at a vending machine] Yes! Hot European teen ass. [moves toward her]
Jenny: [straightens and turns around] What’s up?
Cooper: [rolls eyes]

[repeated line]
Scott: I am never drinking again.