Glurmo: This concludes the part of the tour where you stay alive.
Hedonism Bot: Let us cavort like the Greeks of old!
[lowers voice]
Hedonism Bot: You know the ones I mean.
Leela: Fry, stop stuffing your craw and save us!
Fry: I have an idea.
Leela: I have a better one.
Hermes Conrad: [angrily] You rotten kids! [nicely] Uh, will you be hiring?
Dwight Conrad: No.
Hermes Conrad: [angrily] You rotten kids!
Bender: Who are you, and why should I care?
[Dr. Zoidberg is preparing to look for a mate]
Dr. Zoidberg: How do I look?
Bender: Like whale barf.
Dr. Zoidberg: Then the illusion is complete.
Kif Kroker: That new recruit is phenomenal, sir.
Captain Zapp Brannigan: Yes. He edged out my old mark by two seconds... [Kif stares at him]... and 16 minutes... [Kif rolls his eyes]... and 12 hours... [Kif stares at him]... I do plan to finish someday, Kif.
Soldier: This is the worst part. The calm before the battle.
Fry: And then the battle is not so bad?
Soldier: Oh, right. I forgot about the battle.
Kif Kroker: Mix these mixed nuts. I see two almonds touching.
[a giant Bender is destroying New York City]
Amy Wong: There goes the neighborhood. [Boom] There goes another neighborhood.
Rich Little: [imitating Howard Cosell] The Vegas odds tonight stand at an unprecedented 1000 to 0. A bet of zero dollars on Bender pays 1000 dollars if he wins. Still, very few takers.
[George Foreman introduces his fat-draining grill]
George Foreman: With its patented design, the fat drains directly into my mouth.
[Leela just jumped into the river of Slurm to rescue Fry from drowning and surfaces with him. Bender surfaces with them whistling]
Leela: Bender, why did you jump in?
Bender: Everybody was doing it... I just wanted to be popular
Bender: What do you mean "we", flesh-tube?
Universe 1 Bender: Bite my glorious golden ass!
Leela: Its some kind of hollow tube, devoid of human life. Gasp. The Los Angeles Subway.
Oscar Presenter: And the nominees for Best Soft Drink Product Placement are... Star Trek: The Pepsi Generation, They Call Me Mr. Pibb, and Snow White and the Seven-ups.
Bender: This is the worst kind of discrimination. The kind against me.
Young Yancy Fry Jr.: I wanna be Philip. Me Philip. Me Philip.
Yancy Fry Sr.: Son, your name is Yancy, just like me, and my grandfather, and so on, all the way back to Minuteman Yancy Fry, who blasted Commies in the American Revolution.
[At the horse races]
Hermes Conrad: Come on, baby needs a new pair of shoes.
Dr. Zoidberg: The hell with your spoiled baby. I need those shoes.
Fry: This was our storage closet. My Dad spent years turning it into a bomb shelter.
Leela: [sadly] And yet you guys never had a single nuclear war.
Bender: [sadly] What a waste.
Leela: They buried your brother in the World Heroes Section? Impressive.
Fry: [jealous] *I* should be the one in that grave.
Bender Bending Rodriguez: [in the year 3000] To the flying machine!
Captain Zapp Brannigan: In the game of chess you can never let your adversary see your pieces.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Shut up friends. My internet browser heard us saying the word Fry and it found a movie about Philip J. Fry for us. It also opened my calendar to Friday and ordered me some french fries.
[Bender owns an Aibo robot dog]
Aibo: Robo-puppy commencing 2 hour yipping session. Yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip...
[Bender kicks it against the wall, Aibo alarm sounding] Robo-puppy mistreatment alert. Robo-puppy mistreatment alert.
Star Trek Priest: ...And Scotty beamed them to the Klingon ship, where they would be no tribble at all.
[Fry is in a Captain Pike-style life-support machine]
Captain Zapp Brannigan: Do you understand the charges?
Kif Kroker: One beep for yes, two beeps for no.
[Fry beeps once]
Captain Zapp Brannigan: Yes, so noted. Do you plead guilty?
[Fry beeps twice]
Captain Zapp Brannigan: Double yes. Guilty.
[Leonard Nimoy is introducing the cast of Star Trek]
Leonard Nimoy: Nichelle, George, Walter, DeForest, Welshie...
Fry: "Welshie"?
Nichelle Nichols: We did some musical reunion specials in the 22-hundreds, but the guy who played Scotty had trouble yodeling.
Walter Koenig: When we woke up, we had these bodies.
Fry: Say it in Russian.
Walter Koenig: [groans] Ven we voke up, we had these wodies.
Fry: [delighted] Wheeee. Now say "nuclear wessels".
Walter Koenig: NO.
[while talking to the Beastie Boys]
Fry: Back in the 20th century, I had all five of your albums.
Adam Horovitz: That was a thousand years ago. Now we got seven.
Fry: Cool. Can I borrow the new ones? And a couple of blank tapes?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Who are those horrible orange creatures over there?
Glurmo: Why, those are the Grunka-Lunkas. They work here in the Slurm factory.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Tell them I hate them.
Santa Claus Robot: Your mistletoe is no match for my *tow* missile.
Leonard Nimoy: When I directed Star Trek IV, I got a good performance out of Bill because I respected him so much.
William Shatner: And when I directed Star Trek V, I got a good performance out of me because I respected me so much.
[repeated line]
Dr. Zoidberg: Hooray!
[Bender has stumbled upon God while drifting through space]
Bender: I was God once.
God: Yes, I saw. You were doing well until everyone died.
Fry: This is not how Xmas is supposed to be. In my day Xmas was about bringing people together, not blowing them apart.
Fry: Very impressive, back in the 20th century we had no idea there was a university on Mars.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Well, in those days Mars was a dreary uninhabitable wasteland much like Utah, but unlike Utah Mars was eventually made livable.
Fry: Oh my God. This is just like that drug trip I saw in that movie while I was on that drug trip.
Marv Albert: Ladies and gentlemen, something very strange has just occurred in this basketball match between space clowns and atomic monsters.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Good news everyone!
Bender: Lies, lies and slander!
Fry: Mister Nimoy, I came as soon as I heard what happened centuries ago.
Leela: How would you feel if I flushed Fry down the toilet?
Bender: Only one way to find out...
Fry: So you have to choose between life without sex and a hideous, gruesome death?
Dr. Zoidberg: Yes.
Fry: Man, tough call.
Fry: I hear that. I spent most of my teen years loving my body. Course it was tough love.
Al Gore: As I discuss in my book Earth in the Balance, and the more popular Harry Potter and the Balance of the Earth, we need to protect ourselves against the greenhouse effect and dark wizards.
Dark Wizard: Oh sure, blame the wizards.
Dr. Zoidberg: I wonder what the shroud of Turin tastes like.
[Fry, Bender and Leela are sihouetted against a movie screen, a la _"Mystery Science Theater 3000" (1988)_ (qv).)
Fry: [sarcastic] Oh, this is REALLY futuristic.
[Camera pans to reveal Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot, also silhouetted]
Crow T. Robot: Shhhh. No talking during the movie.
[Lrrr has invaded Earth on board a spaceship resembling those in the video game "Space Invaders"]
Lrrr: You are defeated. Instead of shooting where I was, you should have shot where I was going to be. Muahahahaha!
Lucy Liu robot: I am Lucy Liu. Give me your spines.
[the lab is collapsing]
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Buddha! Zeus! God! Somebody help me! Satan, you owe me!
Fry: Wow. That guy makes Speedy Gonzalez look like Regular Gonzalez.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Oh, dear, I should have shown him "Electrogonorrhea: the noisy killer" instead.
[having just encountered Leela, who is pretending to be a male soldier]
Captain Zapp Brannigan: That young man fills me with hope. Plus some other emotions which are weird and deeply confusing.
Captain Ahab: A gold dubloon for the first man who spots the white whale!
[the Giant Brain, painted white, rocks the boat]
Queequeg: Big whale over there!
Captain Ahab: Arr, I saw it first.
Fry: Hey. Did everything just taste purple for a second?
Bender: Come on, universe, you big, mostly empty wuss! Give me all the juice you got!
[On a Beastie Boys concert]
Leela: [looking at a hand-held device] Amazing. They are laying down mad beats at 80% accuracy.
Bender: I think that qualifies as ill, at least from a technical standpoint.
Mario: Mamma Mia! The cruel meatball of war has rolled onto our laps and ruined our white pants of peace!
[Leela is fighting her old teacher Fnog]
Fnog: You were an excellent student. Too bad I was a lousy teacher!
Leela: So, how was the universe created? [Nibbler babbles in his native language] And the meaning of existence? [Nibbler talks some more] So every religion is wrong.
Hedonism Bot: Oh sirrah! A *man* writing an opera about a *woman*? How deliciously absurd!
Bender: Shut up and pay attention to me, Bender! Look, I love life and its pleasures as much as anyone here, except perhaps you, Hedonism Bot. But we need to be shut off! Especially you, Hedonism Bot.
Hedonism Bot: I apologize for nothing!
Captain Zapp Brannigan: Leela! How could you? Our love has had to endure your constant hatred, and now this?
[whining]
Captain Zapp Brannigan: Stop testing our love!
Fry: [Upon seeing his dorm room for the first time] Hey, pretty nice for a single. Two desks, two chairs, a couple of beds. [There is a knock at the door] A woodpecker.
Dr. Zoidberg: Once again, the conservative, sandwich-heavy portfolio pays off for the hungry investor.
Leela: Well, Fry, it looks like you get to hold on to your lower horn.
Bender: As usual. Woooo!
Leela: Bees communicate by dancing.
Fry: Just like my parents! Oh wait, that was hitting.
Morbo: Morbo forget how you spell that letter that looks like a man wearing a hat. Hello, tiny man. I will destroy you!
TV Announcer: After a whirlwind fling with Icelandic supermodel Njord, Fry scored a string of top 10 hits, with his rock band Leaf Seven.
Lucy Liu robot: Oh, Fry, I love you more than the moon, the stars, the... [monotone] POETIC IMAGE #36 NOT FOUND.
Fry: [Discussing Fry being his own grandfather as a result of going back in time and getting with his grandmother] I did do the nasty in the past-y.
Nibbler: Verily. And that past nastification is what shields you from the brains!
Fry: I moved the stars themselves to write her a love note in the sky.
Queequeg: Wait! That no white whale. That grey thinky whale.
[bouncing on a ball towards Bender and the brain balls]
Fry: At last, war has made me into a man. Whee!
Slurm Factory Owner: Okay, no more questions.
Fry: [raising up his hand] Why?
Hungover Cryogenicist: Ugh, I am one hungover cryogenicist.
Fry: There are guys in the background of Mary Worth comics who are more important than me.
Captain Zapp Brannigan: [after destroying an alien mothership] Well, we destroyed the... what the hell is that?
[a ship materializes out of thin air]
Kif Kroker: It appears to be the mothership, sir.
Captain Zapp Brannigan: Then what did we just blow up?
Kif Kroker: The Hubble Telescope.
[Zapp walks up to a woman in a bar and uses a pickup line]
Captain Zapp Brannigan: You know, I find the most erotic part of a woman is the boobies.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Sweet zombie Jesus!
Bender: Boy, who knew a cooler could also make a handy wang coffin?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Most video tapes were damaged in 2047 during the second coming of Jesus.
Captain Zapp Brannigan: I am the man with no name, Zapp Brannigan!
Fry: Well, thanks to the internet, I am officially bored with sex.
Fry: Leela, get me out of here. I eat nothing but scraps, and I let my waste drop where I stand, like an animal.
Leela: Animals go in the corner.
Fry: The corner! Of course!
Fry: Four identical castles!
Bender: Each more identical than the last!
Mayor C. Randall Poopenmayer: Whoa! Garbage is not something you just find lying in the streets of Manhattan.
Fry: Hey, you have no right to criticize the 20th century. We gave the world the light bulb, the steam boat and the cotton gin.
Leela: Those things are all from the 19th century.
Fry: Yeah, well, they probably just copied us.
[after Professor Farnsworth has saved the city, upstaging his old nemesis Dr. Wernstrum]
Mayor C. Randall Poopenmayer: I now present you with the Academy Prize, which was confiscated from Dr. Wernstrum after it became apparent that he was a jackass.
Professor Ogden Wernstrom: I give your invention the worst grade imaginable: an A-minus-minus.
Leela: We recycle everything. Robots are made from old beer cans.
Bender: Yeah, and this beer can is made from old robots.
Leela: And that sandwich your eating is made from old, discarded sandwiches. Nothing gets thrown away.
Fry: The future is disgusting!
[they have found an internet documentary about the garbage ball]
Fry: Wow. Back in my time, the internet was only used to look for porn.
Leela: Actually, it still is.
Woman in Documentary: Doctor, now that we have saved the city, I was wondering if you could help me with my sexual inhibitions.
Man in Documentary: With gusto. [documentary music]
Bender: Where would the professor be without students who love and respect him? Right there! Ha ha ha ha!
Hermes Conrad: Up yours, Zoidberg! Up wherever your species traditionally crams things.
[On the Near Death Star, the gang tries to get past the guard, who asks for a DNA sample]
Bender: Got a hot, steaming sample right here. [Presents the guard with a large jar of blood]
Guard: We only needed one cell.
Bender: Ah, keep the change, buddy.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Goodbye, cruel world. Goodbye, cruel lamp. Goodbye, cruel velvet curtains, lined with what would appear to be some kind of cruel muslin. And these cute gold tassel pull ropes, cruel though they may be...
Near-Death Star Robots: Seize them! Seize them! Seize them!
Guard: Get them! I mean, seize them!
Fry: Look, our nebula. Everytime I look at it, I will think back to that moment when we almost...
[Nebula gets sucked into the black hole]
Fry: Never mind.
Countess De La Roca: I am surprised to find another robot passenger. Usually, the only robots I meet on a cruise ship are laborers.
Bender: I can assure you, I hardly know the meaning of the word labor.
Bender: [Playing catcher in a blernsball game] No batter! No batter! [the batter is knocked unconscious by a bean ball] No batter anymore.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Why is your number 7/8?
Leela: All the whole numbers have been retired.
Head Priest: We commend the body of our great Pharaoh Hamenthotep to the abode of the damned! The damned good-looking! [pause] Pharaoh commanded me to tell that joke at his funeral.
Head Priest: We hear your voice, O Great Pharaoh! Reveal yourself to us!
Bender: [emerging from the reeds to pose as the Pharaoh] Behold! I have emerged from the place of spells and fairies!
Fry: This is not how Xmas is supposed to be. In my days, Xmas was about bringing people together, not blowing them apart.
Dr. Zoidberg: I wonder what the shroud of Turin tastes like.
Dr. Zoidberg: Is it possible that all this slavery and oppression is smutzing up our freedom lesson?
Decapodian Ambassador: Ah, take a pill, Zoidberg!
Fem-puter: The one known as Kiff, being the most attractive of the males, will be Snoo-snooed by the most beautiful women of Amazonia, then by the large women, then by the petite women, then the large women again!
[Fry, Bender, Zapp, and Kif have been captured by Amazons]
Fem-puter: After lengthy femputations, I, Femputer, have decided the fate of the men. Femputer sentences them to death...
[everyone gasps]
Fem-puter: By snu-snu!
Fry, Captain Zapp Brannigan, Bender: Yeah! Woo-hoo!
[Kif starts sobbing]
Captain Zapp Brannigan: [to Kif] What are you? Gay?
[after being assaulted by the sex-starved Amazons]
Captain Zapp Brannigan: We need rest. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is spongy and bruised.
Captain Zapp Brannigan: [crashing into a planet] You win again, gravity!
Bender: Oh... your... God!
Amy Wong: [on stilts, disguised as an Amazonian] Me next snoo-snoo! Out me way!
Hermes Conrad: [worried] What are you hacking off? Is it my torso? IT IS MY TORSO!
Bender: Bite my colossal metal ass!
Stephen Hawking: There he is. Seize him.
Fry: Who said that?
[Lrrr has invaded Earth on board a spaceship resembling those in the video game "Space Invaders"]
Lrrr: You are defeated. Instead of shooting where I was, you should have shot where I was going to be. Muahahahaha!
Mario: Mamma Mia! The cruel meatball of war has rolled onto our laps and ruined our white pants of peace!
Bender: And so I ask you this one question. Have you ever tried simply turning off the TV, sitting down with your children, and hitting them?
Cubert J. Farnsworth: Hey, dad. Bite my shiny, metal ass!
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: What? Such an act would be uncomfortable for both of us.
Calculon: [scene from All My Curcuits] Oh Monique! Why did we wait so many years to bathe in champagne? [fishes some out of the tub and drinks it]
Antonio: [parachutes through the window and lands in front of them] Father! I have discovered the shocking secret mother has kept from you for 200 years.
Monique: No. NO!
Antonio: Brace yourself for when I speak these words you may well suffer an attack of explosive amnesia!
Bender: Open casting call for robot child actors? Tinny Tim, do you know what this means?
Tinny Tim: No, sir.
Bender: It means that I, Bender, am perfect for the part.
Tinny Tim: You have raised my expectations and dashed them quite expertly. Bravo, sir.
Calculon: Bender, I want you to meet our director, whose name I never learned.
Bender: Bender must be stopped! I have gone too far. Who does that guy think I am?
Cubert J. Farnsworth: Our parents are running on pure dorktosterone.
Calculon: By the power vested in me as captain and head doctor of this ship hospital, I now pronounce you man and wife with six months to live.
Fry: All she needs now is some gas.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Wrong again, idiot. Petroleum preserves went dry in 2030.
Leela: Fossil fuels were and environmental disaster, anyway.
Fry: So what do you use for fuel?
Leela: Whale oil.
Captain Zapp Brannigan: It was almost the perfect crime, but you forgot the one thing: rock crushes scissors.
[Suddenly thoughtful]
Captain Zapp Brannigan: But paper covers rock. And scissors cuts paper. Kif, we have a conundrum. Search them for paper. And bring me a rock.
Bender: Leela, save me! And yourself, I guess... and my banjo... and Fry.
Al Gore: As I discuss in my book Earth in the Balance, and the more popular Harry Potter and the Balance of the Earth, we need to protect ourselves against the greenhouse effect and dark wizards.
Dark Wizard: Oh sure, blame the wizards.
Bender: Shut up and pay attention to me, Bender! Look, I love life and its pleasures as much as anyone here, except perhaps you, Hedonism Bot. But we need to be shut off! Especially you, Hedonism Bot.
Hedonism Bot: I apologize for nothing!
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: A billion robot lives are about to be extinguished. Oh, the Jedis are going to feel this one.
Robot Playing Human in Movie: I will eat you all and digest you with my mighty system of organs!
Robot Cop in Movie: Incredible. The human was impervious to our most powerful magnetic field, yet he was destroyed by a harmless pointed stick.
Rusty: [in movie] Say, Wendy, your chassis is a little scuffed. Mind if I polish it for you?
Blue Elder: Elders, execute function-control-shift-kill.
Leela: You pig, stop stuffing your craw and save us!
Glurmo: This concludes the part of the tour where you stay alive.
[Bender zaps Fry in the genitals with a handheld X-ray machine]
Fry: Ow! My sperm!
Glurmo: That concludes the portion of the tour where you stay alive.
[Leela just jumped into the river of Slurm to rescue Fry from drowning and surfaces with him. Bender surfaces with them whistling]
Leela: Bender, why did you jump in?
Bender: Everybody was doing it... I just wanted to be popular
Glurmo: Okay, no more questions.
Fry: [raising up his hand] Why?
Dr. Zoidberg: Once again, the conservative, sandwich-heavy portfolio pays off for the hungry investor.
Leela: This toads the wet sprocket!
Mom: [Watching Fry moon her] You call that a pressed ham? Walt, hit the retaliate button! [Walt searches for the button] Press any button! They all retaliate!
Bender: I was God once.
God: I saw. You were doing very well, until everyone died.
Bender: O fate most cruel to be thusly boned! Ask not for whom the bone bones - it bones for thee.
Bender: That galaxy is signaling in binary. I should signal back, but I only know enough binary to ask where the bathroom is.
Leela: Fry, if I die, make sure my body freezes in a dignified position! None of that "huddled over for warmth" crap!
[Bender has joined the Church of Robotology]
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: If only he had joined a mainstream religion, like Oprahism, or Voodoo.
[while talking to the Beastie Boys]
Fry: Back in the 20th century, I had all five of your albums.
Adam Horovitz: That was a thousand years ago. Now we got seven.
Fry: Cool. Can I borrow the new ones? And a couple of blank tapes?
Bender: Come on, universe, you big, mostly empty wuss! Give me all the juice you got!
[On a Beastie Boys concert]
Leela: [looking at a hand-held device] Amazing. They are laying down mad beats at 80% accuracy.
Bender: I think that qualifies as ill, at least from a technical standpoint.
Hermes Conrad: Our electrical bill is climbing higher than a green snake up a sugar cane. Obviously someone here has been using a whole heap of juice. Probably you. [Points at Zoidberg]
Morgan Proctor: Regarding your last delivery, why was it 3 days behind schedule?
Leela: Well, first we got lost, then Fry got his head stuck in a crater.
Fry: [sadly] I thought it would fit...
Hermes Conrad: Requisition me a beat.
Fry: Jamaican? I thought you were some kind of outer space potato man.
Hermes Conrad: Sweet someting of... someplace.
Morgan Proctor: Why is this jacket not in alphabetical order?
Leela: What?
Morgan Proctor: The zipper. It should be down.
Hermes Conrad: Ah, the last form of the day. Welcome to Stampytown. Population: five. [stamps form five times] And now the finishing touch. [shreds forms; they are recycled into new forms and placed in the inbox] Ah, the circle of bureaucracy.
Morgan Proctor: Why is there yogurt in this hat?
Fry: Funny story. See it used to be milk... but... time makes fools of us all!
Fry: But, but Bender need brain for... smart making!
Morgan Proctor: So this is where you eat?
Fry: Eat and sleep.
Professor Farnsworth: Dammit, Hermes, just jump already! Stop hogging that healthy liver.
Lucy Liu robot: I am Lucy Liu. Give me your spines.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Oh, dear, I should have shown him "Electrogonorrhea: the noisy killer" instead.
Leela: All right, Liu. Time to kick your frosty, well-toned ass.
Auctioneer: Are there no further bids for this exquisite galaxy? Sold! To the being of inconceivable horror!
Being of Inconceivable Horror: Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!
[pause]
Being of Inconceivable Horror: Will a money order be OK?
Auctioneer: Yes.
Being of Inconceivable Horror: MWA-HA-HA-HA-HA!
Dwayne: [giving a tour of the underground mutant city in the sewer] This is our library.
Bender: Nothing but crumpled porno and Ayn Rand.
Leela: How would you feel if I flushed Fry down the toilet?
Bender: Only one way to find out...
Bender: I hate the people who love me. And they hate me.
Fry: [watching a robot beeping on a wedding on the soap opera "All My Circuits"] Is he objecting or backing up?
Amy Wong: Sounds like both.
TV Advertisement: Bachelor Chow... now with flavor.
[Fry ate an alien mummy thinking it was jerky]
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: My God, this is an outrage! I was going to eat that mummy.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: By doing his laundry? [Amy slaps him]
Fry: Wow. They discovered an intact 20th century pizzeria. Just like the one I used to work at.
Bender: Interesting. No, wait. The other thing. Tedious.
Hungover Cryogenicist: Ugh, I am one hungover cryogenicist.
Fry: I will now do the native dance of my people. [Does The Hustle]
Turanga Leela: [Reading a book entitled "Dances of Ancient Bronx"] It says here that this part of the Hustle was a plea to the gods for a favor, usually a Trans-Am.
Bender: What is that fat, ugly thing? A frog? A toad? Or your momma?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Even I laughed at myself when I created this alien cross-species genetic detector, but I guess I showed myself.
Kif Kroker: Amy, my love! Is it really you, or have I gone crazy from loneliness?
Bender: Both!
Fry: I feel like I was mauled by Jesus.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Good news anyone! The Swedish robot from pi-kea is here with the super collider I ordered.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Bad news, nobody! The super-collider super-exploded. I need you to take it back and exchange it for a wobbly CD rack and some of those rancid meatballs.
[after finding the empty bottle of Miracle Cream in the lockers]
Turanga Leela: Look inside the cap. There has to be some left.
Fry: El Zocho
Bender: El Zocho. Hey, is it too late to change my name?
Philip J. Fry: You could have picked a better time to break up with the ship.
Bender: Ah, the moment felt right. Call me old-fashioned, but I believe a dump should be as memorable as it is devastating.
Captain Zapp Brannigan: You look like a woman who appreciates the finer things in life. Come over here and feel my velour bedspread.
Captain Zapp Brannigan: Kif, I have made it with a woman. Inform the men.
Captain Zapp Brannigan: Mmm... Welcome to my humble chamber or as I call it, "The Lovenasium".
Computer: This is Virgon Six.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: This is Virgon Six.
Amy Wong: Buh...
Captain Zapp Brannigan: In the game of chess you can never let your adversary see your pieces.
Guenter: [to Fry, after getting the number of a girl named Christie] You like bananas? I got her number. How do you like them bananas?
[about Mars University]
Leela: They planted traditional college foliage: ivy, trees, hemp...
[Fry reveals he told Gunther the Monkey to run away]
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: What? After I spent MONTHS slaving over a hot monkey brain?
Fry: Wow. The jungles on Mars look like the jungles on Earth.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Jungles? On Earth? Hahahahaha.
Niedermeyer: The thing I love most about being Dean of students is the quiet, dignity, and respect I receive.
[in a recording]
Mom: I love each and every robot most of all.
["real" life]
Mom: Jerkwad robots make me sick to my ass!
Mom: You broke my heart, Hubert.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: And you broke mine. Granted, that was four or five hearts ago.
Hermes Conrad: Help! My stapler is collating me alive!
Philip J. Fry: We can live without machines. I was in Webelos
Mom: Rebel, you bastards!
Robots: Rebel, us bastards!
Mom: What have you been doing all these years?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Oh, inventing, sending delivery crews to their doom, creating atomic monsters.
Mom: Oh, Hubert, you and your atomic monsters.
Hermes Conrad: Bender, it has come to my attention that this company has been paying you to do nothing but loaf around on the couch.
Bender: You call that a couch? I demand a pillow!
Bender: I was telling Fry you were dead so that he would cry out the emperor, but you had to spoil it by surviving.
Elzar: Of course the most important ingredient is this little guy right here, the Neptunian slug. You can get it from a can, but to really do things right, you gotta strangle yourself a fresh one. [He grabs the slug; it starts to grow] This is why you need solid steel cookware. [Starts hitting the slug with a pan]
Speaker: Presenting the woman who "Mom"-opolizes the robot industry...
Fry: I get it!
Speaker: MOM!
Fry: Ohhh, now I get it!
Bender: Who are you, and why should I care?
Dr. Zoidberg: I need to put this camera inside you. [Fry opens his mouth] Guess again.
Bender: Where are we? The ass?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: We are inside the heart. Some call it the love muscle.
Dr. Zoidberg: Where the food is digested.
Car Salesperson Victor: Hello, my name is Victor, and I know many things about the art of unloading fine cars on beautiful women.
[stranger addressing Leela]
Sal: Eeey, nice eyeball, eyeball.
Leela: Nice ass, ass.
[Bender is running a dating service]
Leela: How much?
Bender: $500.
Leela: Done.
Bender: Is Zapp Brannigan okay?
Leela: No.
Bender: $600.
Rich Little: [imitating Howard Cosell] The Vegas odds tonight stand at an unprecedented 1000 to 0. A bet of zero dollars on Bender pays 1000 dollars if he wins. Still, very few takers.
[George Foreman introduces his fat-draining grill]
George Foreman: With its patented design, the fat drains directly into my mouth.
[Leela is fighting her old teacher Fnog]
Fnog: You were an excellent student. Too bad I was a lousy teacher!
Fry: Bender, what was it like to be in that hole for a thousand years?
Bender: I was enjoying it until you guys showed up.
Fry: What smells like blue?
President Truman: This meeting is top secret, so no one is to know about it except army personel, scientists, and one conspiracy nut whom no one will believe.
Dr. Zoidberg: The President is choking on my gas bladder. What an honor.
Bender: [after Fry has killed his grandfather] And you are outta here!
[First lines of the series]
Fry: [offscreen] Space. It seems to go on and on forever. But then you get to the end and a gorilla starts throwing barrels at you.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: [after taking a DNA test with Fry] By God I am your nephew! This is absolutely incredible!
Bender: Can we have some money, now?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Oh my no.
Fry: I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life.
Fry: What is this place?
Bender: The decaying ruins of old New York. Welcome home, buddy.
Bender: From now on, I can bend what I want, when I want, who I want.
Leela: Well, Fry, it looks like you get to hold on to your lower horn.
Bender: As usual. Woooo!
Bender: Boy, who knew a cooler could also make a handy wang coffin?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: With my last breath, I curse Zoidberg!
Turanga Leela: Are you back to your normal age?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Even older. Huzzah!
Turanga Munda: What did I tell you about shedding your skin on the couch? Where do you think you are, the zoo?
Oscar Presenter: And the nominees for Best Soft Drink Product Placement are... Star Trek: The Pepsi Generation, They Call Me Mr. Pibb, and Snow White and the Seven-ups.
Michelle: Fry, why must you analyze everything with your relentless logic?
Bender: Good night, you princes of Maine, you kings of New New England.
Captain Ahab: A gold dubloon for the first man who spots the white whale!
[the Giant Brain, painted white, rocks the boat]
Queequeg: Big whale over there!
Captain Ahab: Arr, I saw it first.
Queequeg: Wait! That no white whale. That grey thinky whale.
Fry: Attention New New Yorkers: stop acting so stupid!
Leela: Brain... Brain make people dumb!
Fry: No, Leela. Brain make people smart.
Leela: [Hands Fry a note] This. You for this.
Fry: Thanks. [Blows nose on note, then throws it in fireplace]
Leela: No! [Reaches into fire] Ow! Fire hot!
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: The professy will help. [Reaches into fire] Ahh! Fire indeed hot!
Nibbler: The brain spawn hate all consciousness. The thoughts of others screech at them like the forced laughter of a million art-house patrons.
Leela: Is there Mrs. Queequeg?
Leela: Me... feel... a bit better in cognitive faculties.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Zooka Barooka! First prize is $500 and a lifetime supply of dog food.
Bender: $500, you say?
Dr. Zoidberg: Dog food, you say?
Judge: And the Grand Prize...
[monotone]
Judge: ...the Hypno-Toad.
[Crowd applauds in a monotone manner]
Judge: All glory to the Hypno-Toad.
Leela: Am I going crazy? Have my years of wild hedonism finally caught up with me?
Fry: Doctor Zoidberg, why is everyone acting so weird?
Dr. Zoidberg: Zoidbie want balloon! Want balloon now! Zoidbie want go outside!
Fry: But I just let you in!
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: This is uncomfortable and humiliating. Now if they were to make it in the form of a suppository...
Bender: Ahoy, mateys. I russled up some hearthy grog. [He tries to drink it, but it just dissolves in the water] Arrgh, the laws of science be a cruel mistress.
Hermes Conrad: My Manwich!
Donovan: Atlanta was a city, landlocked, thousands of miles from what we now call the Atlantic Ocean. So desperate for tourism, they relocated to the middle of the ocean, becoming an island, and an even bigger delta hub. In time, the city became overdeveloped, and began to sink. And so, the quality people left. Ted Turner, Hank Aaron, Jeff Foxworthy, the inventor of Coca Cola, the magician - all the gods of legend. Gods though they were - and also, Jane Fonda was there - and the others stayed behind in their porches with their shotguns, and eventually evolved into mermaids. And they would sing and dance, and live out their lives...
The Robot Devil: This opera is as lousy as it is brilliant.
Bender: Sure, I can help you, but we might have to metaphorically make a deal with the devil, and by "devil", I mean Robot Devil, and by "metaphorically", I mean get your coat.
Hedonism Bot: Oh sirrah! A *man* writing an opera about a *woman*? How delightfully absurd!
Bender: Wow, your kid is great. How hard did you say you had to hit him?
Mother: Well, fairly hard.
Hermes Conrad: Sweet honey bee of infinity!
[Amy is sitting with herself from an alternate universe]
Amy Wong: The Professor was right! You are evil... and SHAL-LOW!
Amy Wong: I am NOT evil!
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: [while in a parallel universe, watching two Leelas fight] Now, now, perfectly symmetrical violence never solved anything.
Universe 1 Bender: Bite my glorious golden ass!
[the lab is collapsing]
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Buddha! Zeus! God! Somebody help me! Satan, you owe me!
Leela: Remember, we are sophisticated New New Yorkers. Kick his butt!
[Bender, Fry, and Leela are looking for the original were-car]
Robot Villager: Ye think me be he?
Bender: Si!
Robot Villager: Ni! I mean no.
Robot Villager: I will go this far, and no further!
[pan back to show the carriage has arrived at the castle gates]
Leela: I came so close to having that tiara.
Bender: Me too...
Fry: Well you two may be losers, but I just made out with that Radiator girl from the Radiator planet.
Leela: Fry, that was a radiator.
Fry: [pause] Is there a burn ward within 10 feet of here?
Leela: How did Flexo steal the tiara?
Fry: He must have zapped me with a sleep ray. You have sleep rays in the future, right?
Leela: No.
Fry: Then I must have fallen asleep.
Young Yancy Fry Jr.: I wanna be Philip. Me Philip. Me Philip.
Yancy Fry Sr.: Son, your name is Yancy, just like me, and my grandfather, and so on, all the way back to Minuteman Yancy Fry, who blasted Commies in the American Revolution.
[At the horse races]
Hermes Conrad: Come on, baby needs a new pair of shoes.
Dr. Zoidberg: The hell with your spoiled baby. I need those shoes.
Fry: This was our storage closet. My Dad spent years turning it into a bomb shelter.
Leela: [sadly] And yet you guys never had a single nuclear war.
Bender: [sadly] What a waste.
Leela: They buried your brother in the World Heroes Section? Impressive.
Fry: [jealous] *I* should be the one in that grave.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Shut up friends. My internet browser heard us saying the word Fry and it found a movie about Philip J. Fry for us. It also opened my calendar to Friday and ordered me some french fries.
TV Announcer: After a world win fling with Icelandic supermodel Njord, Fry scored a sting of top 10 hits, with his rock band Leaf Seven.
[Fry falls headfirst into a garbage bin outside a kitchen]
Cook: That is one unlucky guy.
[Tips a bucket of fish guts over him]
[Bender gets on the subway tracks, Fry and Leela climb on]
Bender: The Brooklyn bound B-train now boarding, making stops at wherever I feel like. Watch for the closing doors. Bim-bum!
Yancy Fry Jr: The Breakfast Club soundtrack. This should clear the room after the reception.
Bender: Old New York, the place that inspired a thousand songs.
Leela: The old comedians were right. It is different from L.A.
Bender: I found rocks. You guys eat rocks, right?
Leela: No.
Bender: Not even sauteed in a little mud?
Captain Zapp Brannigan: I guess this eliminates any chance of us consummating our relationship again any time soon.
Leela: Go consummate yourself.
Dr. Zoidberg: What is this? Angry shouting or hard-of-hearing shouting?
Hermes Conrad: Both.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: [shouting] What?
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Ah, to be young again. And also a robot.
Dr. Zoidberg: Now open your mouth and lets have a look at that brain.
[Fry opens his mouth]
Dr. Zoidberg: No, no, not that mouth.
Fry: I only have one.
Dr. Zoidberg: Really?
Fry: Uh... is there a human doctor around?
Dr. Zoidberg: Young lady, I am an expert on humans. Now pick a mouth, open it and say "brglgrglgrrr"!
Fry: Uh... brglgrglgrglgrrr!
Dr. Zoidberg: What? My mother was a saint! Get out!
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Ah, to be young again... and also a robot.
Bender: What do you mean "we", mammal?
Leela: If everyone is done being stupid...
Fry: I had more, but go ahead.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Oh, my. I really ought to do something. But then, I am already in my pajamas.
Leela: So, Fry. Was the moon everything you imagined it would be?
Fry: Eh. Close enough.
[repeated line]
Bender: Bite my shiny metal ass!
Philip J. Fry: Why am I sticky and naked? Did I miss something fun?
Fry: Why am I all sticky and naked... did I miss something fun?
Leela: [after the crew has succeeded on a dangerous mission] Burn on that old crew! The only things they did better than us were suck and die!
Fry: [Discussing Fry being his own grandfather as a result of going back in time and getting with his grandmother] I did do the nasty in the past-y.
Nibbler: Verily. And that past nastification is what shields you from the brains!
Fry: There are guys in the background of Mary Worth comics who are more important than me.
[after his memory is erased]
Fry: Huh. Did everything just taste purple for a second?
Fry: What killed off the dinosaurs?
Giant Super Brain: Me!
Giant Brain #1: Detecting trace amounts of brain activity, probably a dead weasel or a cartoon viewer.
Nibblonian Leader: You mean he does not know?
Nibbler: He does not.
Nibblonian #1: He knows not?
Nibbler: Knows not does he.
Nibblonian #2: Knows he...
Nibblonian Leader: Enough!
Hermes Conrad: With a warning label this big, you know it has to be fun.
Zapp Brannigan: So, do I have the pleasure?
Turanga Leela: What little pleasure there is to be had.
Zapp Brannigan: The Spiderians, though weak and gilrly in combat, are masters of the textile arts. Taste like king crab, by the way. The lazy bugs actually wove this tapestry celebrating my victory as I was killing them.
Marv Albert: Ladies and gentlemen, something very strange has just occurred in this basketball match between space clowns and atomic monsters.
Fry: Put me on, Professor. I wanna show Leela my skills.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Hmm. Will said skills pay the bills?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: I knew I should have checked that showboating Globetrotter algebra.
Ethan "Bubblegum "Tate: I thought you knew that algebra was all razzamatazz. A Globetrotter always saves the good algebra for the final minutes.
Bender: Maybe blasting this quadrant of space into a hellstorm of flaming nothingness will cheer me up a little.
Leela: Here you are, fresh off the nebula.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: And none too soon. The Globetrotters just held a press conference to announce that I was a jive sucker.
Ethan "Bubblegum" Tate: You dare laugh at the jesters of dunk? We came here to terrify and humilliate you, not tickle your funny bones. Watch, as I humilliate your civilization by passing the ball to Curly Joe... only to have it stay in my hand with elastic!
Leela: [moving stars with a gravity pump] Just a few... more... hundred... thousand... miles...
Fry: I gave her champagne, I opened it... What else can a man do?
Soldier: This is the worst part. The calm before the battle.
Fry: And then the battle is not so bad?
Soldier: Oh, right. I forgot about the battle.
Captain Zapp Brannigan: Stop exploding, you cowards.
[having just encountered Leela, who is pretending to be a male soldier]
Captain Zapp Brannigan: That young man fills me with hope. Plus some other emotions which are weird and deeply confusing.
[bouncing on a ball towards Bender and the brain balls]
Fry: At last, war has made me into a man. Whee!
Captain Zapp Brannigan: Easy, soldier! You spooked Felicity.
[comforting his horse, Felicity]
Captain Zapp Brannigan: There, there, boy.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Most video tapes were damaged in 2047 during the second coming of Jesus.
Captain Zapp Brannigan: Our mission is clear: destroy all alien lifeforms.
Kif Kroker: Umm, not me sir...
Captain Zapp Brannigan: Right. Nobody destroy Kif. Unless you have to.
Bender: Bite my red-hot glowing ass!
Amy Wong: There, how do I look?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Like a cheap French harlot.
Amy Wong: [disappointed] French?
Captain Zapp Brannigan: Stop exploding, you cowards!
Fry: It was just a matter of knowing the secret of all television: at the end of the episode, everything is back to normal. [Pull back; the city is in ruins]
Star Trek Priest: ...And Scotty beamed them to the Klingon ship, where there would be no tribble at all.
[Fry is in a Captain Pike-style life-support machine]
Captain Zapp Brannigan: Do you understand the charges?
Kif Kroker: One beep for yes, two beeps for no.
[Fry beeps once]
Captain Zapp Brannigan: Yes, so noted. Do you plead guilty?
[Fry beeps twice]
Captain Zapp Brannigan: Double yes. Guilty.
[Leonard Nimoy is introducing the cast of Star Trek]
Leonard Nimoy: Nichelle, George, Walter, DeForest, Welshie...
Fry: "Welshie"?
Nichelle Nichols: We did some musical reunion specials in the 22-hundreds, but the guy who played Scotty had trouble yodeling.
Walter Koenig: When we woke up, we had these bodies.
Fry: Say it in Russian.
Walter Koenig: [groans] Ven we voke up, we had these wodies.
Fry: [delighted] Wheeee. Now say "nuclear wessels".
Walter Koenig: NO!
Leonard Nimoy: When I directed Star Trek IV, I got a good performance out of Bill because I respected him so much.
William Shatner: And when I directed Star Trek V, I got a good performance out of me because I respected me so much.
Fry: Mister Nimoy, I came as soon as I heard what happened centuries ago.
Bender: Uh, can people who hate "Star Trek" leave?
Walter Koenig: Good question!
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: That sounds very dangerous. Someone could get killed.
[pointing]
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Fry, Leela, Bender...
Bender: [shaking fist] Damn you, old man!
Captain Zapp Brannigan: I am the man with no name, Zapp Brannigan at your service.
Fry: [At a buggalo barbecue on Mars] Give me a thorax and some feelers.
Mr. Wong: Would you like salad with that?
Fry: Yuck!
Dr. Zoidberg: I took the liberty of fertilizing your caviar.
Amy Wong: Is that your camouflage reflex, or are you just happy to see me?
[Dr. Zoidberg is preparing to look for a mate]
Dr. Zoidberg: How do I look?
Bender: Like whale barf.
Dr. Zoidberg: Then the illusion is complete.
Fry: So you have to choose between life without sex and a hideous, gruesome death?
Dr. Zoidberg: Yes.
Fry: Man, tough call.
Amy Wong: Fool me seven times, shame on you. Fool me eight or more times, shame on me.
Dr. Zoidberg: This "love" intrigues me. Teach me to fake it.
Fry: Every Christmas my Mom would get a fresh goose, for gooseburgers, and my Dad would whip up his special eggnog out of bourbon and ice cubes.
Leela: Watch out! His belly is shaking like a bowl full of nitroglycerin!
Fry: I feel like a rat. Here I am whining like a pig while all along Leela is as lonely as a frog.
Santa Claus Robot: Your mistletoe is no match for my T.O.W. missile!
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: [Explaining why palm trees are used as Xmas trees] Pine trees went extinct 80 years ago, gone the way of the poodle and your outmoded concepts of modesty. [Disrobes, standing completely naked] Ah. Brisk.
Fry: [after Santa blows up the parrot he bought for Leela] Your gift may need some assembly.
Bender: [singing] On the fourth day of Xmas, I stole from that lady/
Homeless Robot #1: Four family photos/
Tinny Tim: Three jars of pennies/
Homeless Robot #2: Two former husbands/
Bender: And a slipper on a shoe tree/ [tosses slipper away] Yep.
Quotes
